


It's a matter of obsession

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst, M/M, Murder, Non-Explicit Sex, Possibly Unrequited Love, Suicide, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 07:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15019691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: It was early to go to sleep, but he felt he needed to be in bed. The night before he hadn't slept, and not even the previous one, nor the one before.He was exhausted.





	It's a matter of obsession

Yamada tossed and turned into bed.

Again and again.

He couldn’t sleep.

It was early to go to sleep, but he felt he needed to be in bed. The night before he hadn't slept, and not even the previous one, nor the one before.

He was exhausted.

He had had dinner in a rush, without being actually hungry, and then he had laid down.

He had stared at the ceiling, then he had closed his eyes, changing position, he had opened them again and fixated them on the alarm clock on the nightstand.

Ten. Ten thirty.

Eleven, and he couldn’t take it anymore.

His body kept telling him to sleep, and he just couldn’t close his eyes and slip into that slumber he needed so bad.

He couldn’t rest his mind, he couldn’t rest his thought. He couldn’t get out of his heads those images which had been tormenting his for days.

He kept thinking about Daiki, constantly.

He thought about Daiki and his attitude, his kindness, how he had always taken care of him.

He thought about Daiki, and how he had suddenly left, the sight of his back while he got out of his apartment.

He thought about his anger and his words.

Yamada wish he could’ve forgotten them, but he knew he couldn’t.

_I won't play your game anymore, Ryosuke._

What game? What game did he think he was playing?

He had never allowed himself to mess around, not with what he felt, not with what they had always shared, never admitting it openly.

And yet at some point Arioka had grown tired of waiting, and the only solution he had found was to abandon him to himself.

And Ryosuke couldn’t stand it.

He didn’t know what he had done wrong. He was always there, he gravitated around him, he couldn’t live without him.

He touched him and let the elder touch him, he threw signals that couldn’t be equivocated.

What did he want from him, more than that?

Why did he complain?

Because he got close to others? Because he let Yuto or Yuri be with him like he allowed Daiki?

Yamada couldn’t understand.

He didn’t belong to Daiki, he had never been asked.

Even though he had hoped he could, at some point.

He had hoped he could belong to him, he had hoped he could’ve allowed himself something more than some casual touching, he had hoped and all his hopes had been crushed.

And then he had understood that what the elder wanted from him went beyond any physical relationship, it went beyond any form of love they could share.

It was obsession.

Daiki was obsessed by him, just like he was obsessed by Daiki.

_We can't go on like this, and you know it. We’re not healthy for each other._

What did it mean they weren’t healthy?

A person isn’t healthy or not for someone.

He wanted to be close to Daiki just because he felt it was the right thing to do, and he had always expected the other to feel exactly the same.

But, apparently, he was wrong.

The elder wasn’t okay with it anymore, he wanted something normal, he wanted something stable, and he didn’t realize that something like that could never happen to them, that they were both too hooked up in each other’s live to allow themselves to be just ‘friends’ or ‘lovers’.

They were what they were, nothing else.

And as much as Yamada had tried to make him see that, the other had refused to see the truth.

This or nothing, and he had left without him, without letting him have a way out, without allowing them to keep things unchanged.

He had treated Ryosuke like an illness, like an addiction, like a drug from which he needed to get free to be happy, to feel at peace with himself.

And Ryosuke couldn’t bear it.

He had spent years thinking about him, about what they could be, about what those gestures and those glances meant, how weird was the feeling in his chest every time Daiki was around.

He was sure it was the same for him, and perhaps that being the same in the roots had been their issue.

Like two of the same poles of a magnet, which could never unite or attract, no matter how hard they tried.

But he had convinced himself he was never going to give up just because of that, that he would've kept fighting, that he would've let that obsession change him, because it was a part of him now, and he couldn’t just leave it behind and forget it as if nothing had happened.

And Daiki had managed to do just that. And there had been no regret on his face when he had left, there had been no trace of remorse or pain.

And Yamada had hated him, and all he had left were his back while he left and his serious voice when he had said they better stay away from each other.

And his imagination, running wild, which fed his thoughts when reality was too painful to be faced.

Abandoned fantasies, lacking any new spark, something to bring them to life, to remind to Yamada what it had meant for him being with Daiki during those years.

He had thought about it, thoroughly.

And he couldn’t find it in himself to forgive him for the way he had forgotten about him, for how he had torn his illusion away from him, leaving him empty.

He had thought, and he hadn't managed to stay in that stasis, doing nothing to help himself.

He wished he could’ve stopped, but he hadn't been able to.

_Ryosuke, what are you doing?_

It hadn't taken him much to feel Daiki’s cock press against his own, it hadn't taken much to make him lose control, to bring him exactly where he wanted him.

And he wanted him to belong to him, even just for the time of a mistake, for a moment that was going to be forgotten next morning.

He had liked what he had felt while Daiki touched him, while he kissed him, bit him, got inside of him, made him come.

He hadn't liked what had been left of them in the end, when it had all become meaningless.

He had let the elder fall asleep, waiting for his final act.

And that was what wasn’t letting him sleep.

Three nights he had spent motionless in his bed, unable to rest because he kept being haunted by the thought of Daiki, by the images of his sweaty body after having had sex, while he started to get cold.

The thought of those eyes which weren’t going to open anymore because he had closed them, because he had put an end to his life, he had taken it as if it had no meaning, as if he could get rid of his obsession this way.

And now that he had created an even bigger one, he had nothing to go on, nothing to help him, nothing to soothe him from the thought that the weight of that death sooner or later would've fallen upon him, and he would've fallen down, hard.

Yamada had never liked to be caught unprepared.

He nervously got up, walking to the small balcony and getting out, breathing deeply.

Even outside, the suffocating thought of Daiki stopped following.

And, he realized, it was never going to.

He held on the balustrade and pulled himself up.

Then, he fell.

All he wanted after all, was to close his eyes and rest.


End file.
